Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
You Might Also Like
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Best mom ever 😂
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman