Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
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[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes