game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?