Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
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What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I’m aging like a fine banana
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.