@Cheeseboy22

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

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@RoxyTall

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

@Wakenbake77

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

@SaraESpivey

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

@WhatevaConc

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

@briangaar

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

@BradBroaddus

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

@1Happytwit

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

@p_net

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

@Vice_Queen

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.