I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
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cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants