I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
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My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
me and my fake scenarios
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”