My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder