Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
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on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before