Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
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8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
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It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
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Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have