Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
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Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Donkey Kong sommelier
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.