My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
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A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
The Birdles
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I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.