Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.