My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Cardio Made Easy
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
#ProTip
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”