@1Happytwit

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

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@DartsBofficial

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

@FierceMess

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

@AndyrealAl

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

@slyoung5

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

@MorganJ7

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

@imence2

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

@noog

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

@WorkaholicsQ

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”