Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
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Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full