being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
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My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
this came to me in a vision
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant