I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
You Might Also Like
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I would move hell over six inches for you
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts