i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
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May you never lose your sense of wonder.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Sooo many times…..
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.