Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
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Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.