Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
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How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
May never get over this
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!