@kimtopher22

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

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@thefurlinator

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

@

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

@thenoahkinsey

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

@shivillex

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

@SamGrittner

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

@theawkwardful

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

@BradBroaddus

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

@LaLuchaNix

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”