If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
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A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley