[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
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I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.