A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
You Might Also Like
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.