My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
You Might Also Like
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”