I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
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Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers