Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
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Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.