One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
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How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Day 2 of my diet
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Oh boy, $150,000!
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.