How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
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Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
If only.
Not my job 😂
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.