I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
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[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird![]()
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.