I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
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I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
stand with me against insufficient seating
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario