Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
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Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Pee pressure > peer pressure
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left