Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
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When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
accurate
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.