I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
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If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.