I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom