I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
You Might Also Like
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?