So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
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I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?