academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
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When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
For the orator and chef in all of us
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.