me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
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So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
tis the season
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here