Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
buys donuts instead
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.