Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
This makes total sense…
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love