4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
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Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
yeah not falling for this one
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.