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her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.