My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
You Might Also Like
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Good morning
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.