Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
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A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Check your privilege
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.