A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
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I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”