When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
You Might Also Like
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?