Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
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Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.