@thatnerddad

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

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@WittySassBasket

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

@MelvinofYork

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

@simoncholland

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

@sara_ashlynn

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

@DanEdisonComedy

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

@EndhooS

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

@MNateShyamalan

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

@BobGolen

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

@T_N_Crumpets

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!