If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
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The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.