The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
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I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
don’t we all
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee