another case of gang violins
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The “baby” on the left….
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Dolls on drugs
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”