2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
You Might Also Like
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
🤣dope
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
japanese corn
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*