I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
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Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
My time has come.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.