Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
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This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.