This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
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My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…