[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
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My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
LOOOOOOL
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!