Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
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When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
So we got a goldfish…
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.