This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
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[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Ok, but like, how married are you?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]