Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
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[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
As the Lord intended
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.